Max Payne and the Holy Grail
by Joseph 'Maniac' Cirillo III
Summary: A Pythonesque story set between Max Payne 1 and 2 where Max is asked by God to find the Holy Grail. He can do it, but he's going to need some help from an old friend...
1. Chapter 1

"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"

By Joseph "Maniac" Cirillo III

_Disclaimer: This is a work of full parody, and I thought I needed to write something before my head exploded. Do not read this if you feel that Max Payne should not become a Prophet of God, or if you particularly like the French in any way. Now that I've finished offending everyone, allow me to begin…_

"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"

We last left Max in prison, waiting for his trial, but the fate of God and some stupid guards left the keys outside the cell and Max got out. So he started walking down the streets of New York city, searching for something but he didn't know what. Suddenly, like some bad movie the clouds of the former storm opened up and the face of God appeared to Max.

God: Max, Maaaaax.

Max looked to his side but nobody was there.

God: Up here you self proclaimed poet!

Max looked up and saw the face of God (author: which will not be described to you here because to do that would mean spoiling death, and I wouldn't want to be known forever as the guy that spoiled death from everybody living).

God: Look upon me my child.

Max: I imagined you as taller.

God: Shut up! You're like those miserable Psalms they're so depressing. I have a job for you to do.

Max: Do I get to be your angel of death and kill people at your command like Loki?

God: No.

Max: Will I be a Prophet like Muhammad and Jay and Silent Bob?

God: Yes, that will go with the territory I'm afraid, but don't get full of yourself like those two stoners did.

Max: (gulps) Am I…pregnant?

God: Even _I_ have to have standards Maxie.

Max: So what then?

God: Glad you finally decided to say something smart. I have a job for you to do. (Trumpets start playing and an angelic choir starts singing)

Max: What's that noise?

God: It's just the incidental music for the scene, now pay attention. (In a deep Godlike voice) Maaaaax. You must find the Holy Grail. It carried my son's blood during the crucifixion and has been lost for centuries. You must restore it to its rightful place.

Max: Where is that? The Vatican?

God: No, it's in the Richard Nixon Presidential Library in California.

Max: Why there?

God: (astonished) You dare _question_ the almighty?

Max: How do I know you're even the almighty? You haven't shown me proof of any kind.

God: You want proof, uh…fine. Just…give me a few minutes. (fades away suddenly)

Max: (To Himself) That small voice in my head was speaking again, should I pull the quest thing or go back to my meager existence of vengeance and a dark life to go with my black soul.

Suddenly God reappears.

God: Stop that! I can hear you, you know! Who else do you think gave you bullet-time™?

Max: What time?

God: Shut up and go find the grail. I HAVE SPOKEN! (God fades away again)

Max: Fine, I've got nothing better to do.

To Be Continued….


	2. Chapter 2

"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"

Part 2

By Joseph "Maniac" Cirillo III

_When last we left Max he was asked by God to find the grail and return it to it's rightful place, the Richard M. Nixon Presidential Library. So now we take you back to Max where his quest has just started._

Max walks through the dark alleys, opening dumpster after dumpster.

Max: Grail you in here? (closes dumpster)

Max checks another dumpster.

Max: Grail you here? Damn. (closes dumpster) I figured I'd be back home in time to watch "Will and Grace".

Suddenly a thug with a gun showed up.

Thug: It's Payne!

Thug shoots at Max, the bullets went right through him not scratching him at all. Max quickly draws his berretta and filled the thug with bullets, killing him.

Max: Well, looks like this Prophet can't be killed. That might come in handy later on.

Max continued searching the alleyways of New York. Why Max decided to keep searching New York for the Grail where it would most likely be somewhere in the Middle East is a question we won't ask, Max probably doesn't know what the Middle East is.

Another thug popped out of the alleyway, this one appeared to be high on crack. Max drew his pistol at the doped up punk.

Max: Where's the Grail?

Cokehead: (In a French accent) Um…peaze monsieur. I mean vous no…how do you say…harm. Pleeze go zee my comrades at this address.

The cokehead handed Max a business card with an address on it. The business card said in big bold letters "Jaques Crack Shack" and listed an address. Max lowered his weapon and headed for the address.

Max walked up to the building and knocked on the door. The crackhead doorman answered.

Doorman: (Also in a French accent) Allo? Who es et?

Max: I want to talk to Jaques. I'm Max Payne and I've been charged by God to search for the Holy Grail. If you let me in I won't tell the cops about your crackhouse here.

Doorman: Well okay I'll ask him but I don't think he'll bee verry keen, we've already got one.

Max: Show it to me?

Doorman: Of course not! You are English!

Max: I'll show you English!

Max drew his pistol at the door and shot through it killing the doorman. Then he kicked the door down and entered a room full of doped up crackheads and French flags. The crackheads fired their pistols at Max but each one didn't hit him.

Max: My turn, burn in Hell!

Max let out a stream of fire, killing all the crack addicts in the room. Then he reloaded his pistol and headed upstairs.

Max: Where are you Jaques? I've come for the Grail!

Max looked down the hallway to see a very small Frenchman on top of a very tall throne, he was holding up a white flag.

Jaques: (In a French accent, go figure right?) Pleeze, pleeze Monsieur Payne, do not keel moi. It ees bad vor businees. I do not hav zee Grail you seek. My doorman is an ediot, I'm very glad you keeled him.

Max cocked his gun.

Max: Then give me a reason why I shouldn't kill you right now!

Jaques: Allright allright! I surrender! Here!

Jaques tossed the French flag over to Max.

Jaques: Just don't kill me!

Max pulls the trigger and shot Jaques in the foot.

Max: Learn to stand up for yourself!

After doing much searching through the crackhouse and finding nothing but French flags, Max decided the Grail was not there. So he burned all the flags and left without a clue where to go next.

To be continued…


	3. Chapter 3

"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"

Part 3

By Joseph "Maniac" Cirillo III

_Writer: When last we left Max he had just brought down the French Mafia and was still no closer to finding the Grail._

Max: I'm still no closer to finding the Grail.

_Writer: I just said that._

Max: You just said that.

_Writer: Shut up you idiot and find the Grail._

Max: Shut up the idiot and find the Grail.

_Writer: Err…right._

Max: Well I'm going to keep searching, but now I'm going to need some help, and I know just who to call.

Max pulls out a flashlight and with a marker wrote the symbol of the Soviet Union on the lens. Then he flashed it on the sky and waited about five seconds for the limo to arrive. A familiar face popped his head out of the window.

Vladimir: (in a Russian accent) Max, get in!

Max got in Vlad's limo and relaxed for a few seconds.

Vlad: Want a smoke?

Max: Sorry, I'll have a smoke when I'm done killing.

Vlad: Max, I for sure thought you'd get the death penalty. How'd you get out?

Max: Some idiot left a key in front of my cell, then God told me I had to find the Holy Grail.

Vlad: (Lights up) You sure you're not on the V again?

Max: Don't think so.

Vlad: Oh before I go any further I'd like to introduce you to my non-union Mexican equivalent, Didi.

Max looked to Vlad's left and saw a skinny white guy.

Max: Nice to meet you Didi.

Didi: (Australian accent) G'day mate.

Max: I thought you said he was Mexican.

Vlad: That's what he told me, I didn't believe him but he works for marijuana.

Max: Cheap.

Vlad: So why did you call me Mr. Payne?

Max: I need your help finding the Holy Grail. All my leads are dust, and I must've ridden this entire city both length and breadth.

Vlad: What? Ridden on a horse?

Max: What?

Vlad: You're using coconuts!

Max suddenly looks and sees he has two empty sides of coconuts and was banging them together the whole time. He quickly tossed the coconuts out of the window.

Max: So will you help me?

Vlad: Da. I just feel I should tell you, I'm going against my religion here.

Max: Don't worry about it.

Vlad: We drink. (Holds up shots of vodka, hands one to Max and Didi)

Max: Das­_ adrusie_.

Vlad: You need to learn Russian drinking lines.

They take a drink.

Max: So do you have a lead on where we can find the Grail?

Vlad: Da, I do.

(Pause)

Max: You wouldn't mind sharing that information would you?

Vlad: Oops, right. Sure, I know where the Grail is. It's in the house of the new mob boss that took over after Punchinello. He thinks it is a promotional item for some videogame.

Max: _Bene._

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

"Max Payne and the Holy Grail"

Part 4

By Joseph "Maniac" Cirillo III

_Writer: Max Payne is finally getting somewhere. Thanks to Vladimir and Vladimir's non-union Mexican equivalent, Didi, Max now knows that the Holy Grail is located in the mansion of the unknown mob boss who took over after Punchinello's death. As we open this final scene…_

Max: Awwww.

_Writer: Shut up._

Max shuts up.

_Writer: ahem As we open this final scene Max, Vladimir, and Didi have arrived at their adversary's mansion._

Max: Who's saying that?

Vladimir: I thought that was you going into one of your monologues again. You know you think louder then you speak.

Max: Then change your damn audio properties.

Vladimir looks away and starts whistling to himself nervously.

Max looks out the window.

Max: This must be the place. How do we get in?

Vladimir: Don't ask me, I'm Russian. You know that Russians are pacifists.

Didi looks at Vlad funny.

Max: Have we got bows?

Didi: No.

Max: Have we got swords?

Didi: Wrong mod.

Max: Have we got _anything_ useful?

Vladimir: We have the Holy Small Nuclear Device! angelic choir chimes

Didi: Of course! The Holy Small Nuclear Device! angelic choir chimes again

Max: Wait a second, where did you get a nuclear device and how do you know its Holy?

Didi: Well we found it in a dumpster when a light was pointing to it. The inscription on it was written in Hebrew and whenever we read the inscription, "Holy Small Nuclear Device" angelic choir chimes again, aren't you getting board of reading that? you hear that?

Max: Yes.

Didi: We think its some ancient relic.

Max: What happen to your Australian accent?

Didi: Talking with an American accent saves time.

Max: So how does it work?

Vladimir: The instructions must be in the bible somewhere. (Vladimir pulls out a copy of Das Capital by Karl Marx)

Max: I don't think that's the bible we need.

Vladimir: What other bible is there? (flips through pages) Ahh here it is. (Vladimir shows the pages to Max)

Max looks at the pages in stun.

Max: Yep here it is. (Reads) Nuclear Armaments, chapter five…

Didi: Three sir.

Max: …Three, verses ten through eleven. And St. Stalin raised the nuclear device in front of the Americans and said "Oh Lenin, bless this nuclear device so that it might destroy the capitalists into tiny bits, in thy mercy."

Vladimir: That's beautiful. Keep reading.

Max: And Lenin appeared to Stalin, and Lenin said "This weapon may only be used to destroy capitalists." Will we have a problem with that?

Vladimir: Probably not, there's nobody more capitalist then the Italian mob. Keep reading.

Max: (Continues reading) "Push the button, hurl the nuclear device towards thy foe, who being a believer in democracy, shall become very dead."

Vladimir: Amen.

Max pushes the button and hurls it towards the gate. Vladimir's limo sped away to get away from the blast radius. Suddenly a blinding flash accompanied by harp music filled the sky and the gate as well as half the mansion blew to hell (or heaven).

Max: Storm the mansion Vladimir, we're getting the grail!

_Writer: As the limo sped into the mansion grounds the tiny limo was tossed, with Vladimir and Didi too, Max and…oops, wrong franchise._

Vladimir: Ready to do some damage Max?

Max: Yeah, my finger's been itchy on the Bullet Time™ button.

Max and Vladimir stormed the mansion with their guns in hand. There were many charred corpses of capitalists but no sign of the grail.

Vladimir: Max I'm not seeing the grail here. Could it have been destroyed by the blast?

Max: If it is then this was all for nothing.

Suddenly the two hear a clap right behind them. They turn around to see the new mob boss and the master of the house.

Boss: (In a German accent) You think you can fool me? I know you're here for the kilos of dope I stored under the house!

Max: Uh…no.

Boss: Then you vant my mellions of dollars!

Vladimir: Uh, no I have enough money. Do you really want to know why we're here?

Boss: Non, I'm happy guessing.

Max: (points his gun at the boss) We're here for the Holy Grail. Give it to us and you'll live.

Boss: The what?

Vladimir: That cup you think is a promotional item for a videogame?

Boss: Ah yes, the Bikini Beach Volleyball trinket I got at last year's E3.

Max: How did you go to E3?

Boss: I started my own videogame company for a few days.

Max: Damn, I went to E3 but nobody saw me. (Max frowns)

Boss: Here's the stupid cup I don't know what you would possibly want to do with it. (Tosses it at Max, it fumbles out of Max's hands and falls to the ground, then Max picks it back up)

Max: (Examining it) This is it.

Vladimir: How can you be sure?

Max: It looks exactly like it did in _Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade_.

Vladimir: Oh.

Max: Vlad, lets return this to its rightful place.

After driving for several hours across the country to California (They could've flown but neither one of them wanted to get a _random baggage search_ at the airport) they arrived at the Grail's rightful spot, the Richard Nixon Presidential Library.

Didi: So where are we supposed to put it?

Max: I don't know, God just told me to bring it here.

Vladimir: Well we're here, so what now?

Max: I don't know.

Vladimir: Want to get a pizza?

Max: Sure.

The end?

_Writer: Oops, I forgot the ending. Well it's pretty bad…I don't think I should tell you. thinks Okay it's your funeral._

Max and Vladimir go to get pizza. Max orders a large meatball pizza. (Oh c'mon everyone wanted to know what Max's favorite pizza is!) While Max, Vladimir, and Didi are each on their second slice the ceiling to the pizza parlor opened up!

Owner: Hey! Who's going to pay for this ceiling!

Max: You're looking upon the almighty and all you can think about is the ceiling?

Owner: I'm a communist from Cuba!

Vladimir: Rock on brother!

And a powerful wind tore through the parlor as the face of God appeared!

God: You found the grail!

Max: Yes, we found it. Now what do you want us to do?

God: Bring it to me!

Max: I can't you're too high up!

Vladimir: This is against my beliefs!

Didi just kept eating his pizza.

God: Fine I'll take it myself.

With a flash of light the Grail disappeared from the table and the whole room disappeared. Suddenly Max, Vladimir, and Didi found themselves in a room full of white with no doors and no walls.

Max: Where are we?

Didi: It's the Matrix, Neo.

Max: Aw, shit not again.

The end

Writer's Note: Special thanks to Radiation Hazard for the idea of the Holy Small Nuclear Device. Now if anyone else had given me ideas (he was the only person who sent in an idea, and it was a good one too) I probably would've used it.


End file.
